Interpersonal conflicts are destructive and could be irreversible for “broken” friendships. If time could turn back, I wonder if I could improve the way I handled the misunderstanding between me and my friend.
The misunderstanding took place in Year 1 Semester 1. I often hang out with Friend A, who I met in freshmen orientation. Friend A enjoyed teasing people by randomly pairing us up with friends of opposite genders. As a result, we all assumed that we could reciprocate by doing something similar. Friend A upon knowing friend B, who is also a friend of mine, started hanging out less with us and spending more time with friend B. His actions prompted us to ask him if he is interested in Friend B. However, my message may be too blunt and in return, he replied with messages that contained contents that hurt me such as “I don’t like people interfering with my personal life”, “What rumours have you spread to the rest” and “I am not going to talk to you forever”.
Looking at these messages, I realised that there could be misunderstanding between us. With the limited knowledge about effective communication at that time, I listened and tried to resolve the misunderstanding without using the similar tone that he has used on me. However, it was of no use and he started to ignore me. Nevertheless, I believe friendships should not end on such a note and I arranged a meet-up for us to clear up our misunderstanding. In the end, Friend A did not turn up and he even went to find out from my friends whether I have spread any bad rumours about him. It puzzles me till now on why he refuses to patch things up even though he now knows that I had never done such things.
If you were me, how would you resolve this issue so as to re-build this friendship? Methods such as identifying the nature and origin of conflict and developing means to manage the conflict are easier said than done. To me, these can only be done only when both parties are willing to resolve the misunderstandings.
According to Weeks, there are seven causes of interpersonal conflicts (adapted from http://www.salemstate.edu/~hbenne/ids/interpersonal_conflict.pdf). They are diversity and differences, needs, perception, power, values and principles, feelings and emotions, internal conflicts within a person. These are also the factors that cause us to have difficulties in putting ourselves in their shoes in attempts to see things from their perspectives. Hence, effective communication is really vital in helping us to bring across correct message, to prevent misunderstandings and to resolve conflicts.
Hi Petrina,
ReplyDeleteIn certain individuals, they way they treat others may not necessarily reflect how they would like to be treated. For your friend in particular, he may enjoy playing the matchmaker for his friends but when it comes to his own personal life, he does not appreciate any kind of interference whatsover.
For many guys, the right to choose their partner is a sacred one. Have you heard of mothers trying to matchmake their sons which results in the sons becoming annoyed with their actions? Regarding this situation, you actions to reciprocate the matchmaking your friend has done for you might have triggerd this "annoyance" emotion.
As a result, it is important to realise exactly what actions are and are not appropriate for every individual. How do you find out? Simple! Communication is key! Politely asking your friend whether or not your actions would cause him any offense would probably be one good way to find out the existence of such differences.
Hope this piece of advice helps! See you in school on tuesday!
Hey! You are the first to post again!
ReplyDeleteI guess you are right! It is very important to know what actions are and are not appropriate for every individual. Communication is one way to find out. However, it is not that simple. Can you imagine yourself going up to your friends to ask? It is not easy to ask right?
Sometimes by listening hard to what they say and observe what to do may gives us a clue to what kind of person they are. Unfortunately, these words and actions may mislead us. For example, this friend too has been repeatedly joked about asking us to recommend pretty single girls to him. It could also be a plea in disguise.
Darryl, your advice helps a lot! We shall discuss at length in class tomorrow about how to communicate that sort of questions. =)
Hello Po-Yu!
ReplyDeleteI think he understands after for such a long time. Majority of my orientation group have come to know about the issue between Friend A and me. Most of them have sided me. Now he does greet back as and when he feels like it.
The approach to go through a friend is a good idea. It always work! I always believe that if you do not give me face, give your friend face and do something about it. In this case, it may not be a good idea because he is so sensitive about other people knowing about his life.
Anyway thanks for the insight!